Wednesday, February 22, 2012

A Scared Boy in the Shell of a Strong Man

I am posting this simply because I'm reasonably certain no one reads this. If anyone does read this-if you know who I am talking about, you must keep it secret. At any rate...
I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about a little boy that would curl up in the bath tub and let the water trickle down upon them. On their head, just a slow steady stream of lukewarm water-is what I envision. I picture, a naked, scrawny little boy of about 6, lying at the base of the tub, curled in the fetal position on his left side facing the wall. All is quiet, the door is shut tight and locked, the light is left on. He is all alone. He lies there, quietly crying, a tear rolling down his cheek, leaving a traceable trail. He is still, he doesn't move, he just escapes. The only movement is the slow, steady stream of water that falls on the side of his head and rolls down across the crown of his head, down, drip by drip to the drain. It is slow, it is lonely, it is stark, but it is safe. In this state, time passes quickly, but not nearly enough.
This image brought tears to my eyes and continues to do so.
I imagine him to be escaping from some sort of abuse and unhappiness that surrounded him.
I want to take that little boy into my arms and hold him, comfort him, and protect him from all the bull-shit life throws his way. I want to protect him from becoming hardened and angry.
Time has passed. He is now a man who still finds comfort and escape in water trailing down his head. He has become a very strong person, with a strong personality, overcoming obstacles to be successful. He is, without a doubt, ambitious and skilled, eloquent and charismatic, he is bold and audacious, he is proud and focused, he is self-motivated and persistent, he is tenacious and beautiful, he is intelligent and brave, he is compassionate and sensual. His spirit is unyielding, and above all, he is independent and self-reliant.
However, in my opinion, of those things, which he truly is, they form a shell, a guise, that protects that scared, defenseless Little Boy, that he still is on the inside. Being a strong man now will not help him win the battles he lost as a child, unfortunately. He was too young and too weak to fight back to the pressures and strengths used against him. As an adult man, he is still inwardly fighting those battles. He has become hardened and angry and guarded. He has found avoidance of attachment to be the best defense to keep that ghost of a boy unharmed.
My desire, that I have for this Strong Man, is to come out of the bathroom. Let the little boy feel an embrace. I want nothing more to wrap my arms around the Scared Boy that lives on inside the Strong Man. I will wrap my arms around you for as long as you need and want, for as long as it takes for you to know, it's safe out here, with me, now.
Hug me back when you are ready and are able to build a relationship with respect, sensitivity for each others feelings, stability, communication, and consistency. Until then, or if you don't desire that with me, allow that little boy to feel a safe, loving embrace-from Me.

*I don't know much about the personal experiences of this Man per se. I'm sure I've romanticized a significant portion-but who cares. It was what I was thinking and how I feel-an honest expression.

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